Today, more from Amy in her captivity as her situation gets worse.--------------------------
Amy: The Problem with Puzzles
The
problem with puzzles is if you don't solve them, they never leave your
head. They linger and remain until you
can find an answer. I've always had a mind for puzzles. But here in this dark
attic, I am in one I can't seem to puzzle myself out. Yesterday, when the man came to bring my
bread he didn't ask if I was ready to begin my new job. He cocked a shotgun and threw me down onto
the wooden floor and pointed the two barrels at my head. I could feel the cold steel pressing into my
flesh. Then with the weight of his whole
body he threw himself into me and growled,
“You gonna fuck whether you like it or not. You gonna take your first customer tonight,
or I’m going to find the little town you are from and kill everyone you love
one by one. You hear me? Now, I want you to fuck me like I’m paying
for it.”
I have
never felt as small as I did in that moment.
I begged and begged. “Please, I
screamed. Please let me be. Not this way.
Please!”
But he
didn't hear my words. I was like an animal
he was there to break. I was nothing
more. I scratched his arms. I bit him.
I did everything in what little power I had to stop him. But it was all to no avail. With one arm, he pressed me the barrel of the
shotgun down on to me. And with the
other, he pulled up my skirts. Pain
ripped me as he entered me and I felt a darkness wash over me as his he grunted
above me.
When I
woke up, I was alone again. Lying on the
pile of blankets he'd taken me on with my skirts pulled up. I couldn't move but smoothed my skirts down. Oh what have they made me? What have I
become?
The
puzzle has started to unwind in my mind. I am at its center, a dark, dark knot
and I am unable to get out. Will he come
again? When will my first customer visit
me? As the night passes and the dawn
comes. The days are no longer seamed. Instead, they blur together. I fear the
passage of time. Every creak the house
dares me that it might be him, or worse, another stranger that will rape
me. Reminds me that I am not safe. I am trapped in a monkey’s fist. I am at its center and the labyrinth I’d need
to travel to get out is un-mappable. I
cannot see in the dark.
I feel like I have walked through a
door. On one side was before -- my life in Millerton, the sunlight pitching
through trees, the quiet whiny of my horse. And on the other is the dark
universe I now inhabit. It feels as if I am wearing new skin that is no longer my
own. The sun has sunk low enough to dim the light, to let it into the room from
the high windows. So, this is my new life, this is what I've become.
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